I am a "fixer" and am drawn to broken things - whether mechanical or emotional. I am married to someone who was raised in a toxic environment (mother is a narcissist - an emotional vampire). The daughter not even close to half as bad as the mother - but they both do not know how to interact with men who are like dogs and just need a pat on the head and an ego stroke and they will just work away providing and making their family happy.
I have chosen to distance myself from this with work as my excuse - but the real underlying reason is that I have been torn down from the beginning of my marriage. Usually it was over being late or some other reason. Constant nagging. I simply solved that by suggesting we take two different cars. Now, it is blame for almost everything (this came out when we neared dayvooorse) - I became the reason for all of our woes (kids, marital issues, money questions, fidelity accusations - all of anything that could be dredged up, including alleged abuse of all of our female children). That, my friends is emotional vampirism/mental illness in the perfect storm. This last episode was probably the worst of it that I have experienced, but the first episode was a close second. The first part was so hard because I had never seen her do that before. This one, the accusations were worse (in a way), but I had experienced the cycle before, so I "knew the drill" - so the stress of wondering what the end result would be, was eliminated (I knew that there could be better living through chemical means and it was just a matter of getting to a better place in three or four months).
Basically, Shawna knows the drill now - and has had ample tools to figure out how to head this thing off at the pass - and she knows I am willing to walk if we ever go there again. I have made it abundantly clear that I will punch out - more than just being physically absent - I will make myself financially and physically and maritally absent. I owe it to myself to have a fruitful and rewarding golden year portion of my life.
Although, I have to say, I am cynical to the extreme about marriage. The whole death do you part thing is designed to shackle two people together with the expectation that if things get nasty, the other person will have a moral and social burden to stick it out - regardless of how bad it gets.
I have always said - and maintain so - that you should fill out the marriage contract, then fill out the divorce papers. If things come to a point where it simply is not tenable, one or the other party can simply lay the document on the table and walk away. It keeps everyone honest.
When dealing with Marcia (my MIL), when I had a clear opportunity to break away from the abuse she was imparting to me and her daughter - I did it. When she realized we were breaking away "from the plantation", she used just about every means possible to try to manipulate us into staying. I had immunized myself from the manipulation - and it did not work. She, most likely, will die a bitter, lonely old woman. For having tried to break up so many of her childrens' marriages in order to have a vulnerable, dependent person she can manipulate into her old age - she does not seem to get it.
I have a life goal of simply giving myself distance from these kinds of people. When asked by Shawna why we should not stay in Kali, the response was that it was not far enough away from the narcissist. Three hours distance is NOT enough as it is.
Here is the article that got me thinking:
The Toxic Attraction Between An Empath And A Narcissist
We know that “narcissist” has become a bit of a buzzword recently, and some folks are quick to apply it to an ex-lover or family member or friend. While awareness of this concept is healthy, so is remembering that it is, in a mental health context, a serious condition that shouldn’t be applied to someone you’re mad at because they stole your mirror. ~ Eds.I am an empath. I discovered I was an empath after I got involved in a very deep and highly destructive relationship with a narcissist.
I am writing this article from the perspective of an empath, however, would love to read the view from the opposite side if there are any narcissists that would like to offer their perception on this.
Through writing about the empath personality type I have connected with many other people who class themselves as an empath and time and again I have heard people tell me how they have also attracted relationships with narcissists. There is a link. So, I decided to explore it further.
This is my theory…
From my own experience and studies on the narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.
Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.
Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.
What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.
This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.
The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.
The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.
When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.
As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.
An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.
Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.
An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.
However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.
Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.
However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.
In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.
We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.
The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never too late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.
The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.
An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.
A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realise they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked, so they will seek out their next victim.
The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.
This article has been republished from Elephant Journal Via In5D.com
Author: Alex Myles