When you are married to someone who is dysfunctional to a high level....
Advice Needed - Serious (Family)Preface: Some of you will want to criticize me for sharing private information that casts my SO in unfavorable light.
I
have thought about that, and have decided that an open, public (but
still pretty darned anonymous) dialogue just *might* help someone else
going through the same thing.
For this reason, I put it out
there. Perhaps GLP is not the best venue, but come hell or high water,
GLP is and has been my home, my voice, for a long time now.
--------------------
I
came home from work to find my 3 young children gathered around the
garage door, waiting for me, yelling "Mama fell down, then she fell
again, now she's sleeping deeply I can't wake her up."
Oh my God,
right? I rush through the door to find a pot of soup charred to
carbon, FIRE STILL GOING underneath. Another ten minutes, maybe less,
and it would've ignited, melting the Microwave and starting a fire. I
turn off the stove.
I rush to the bedroom, she's not there. "Where's Mama?"
So I find her on the living room couch, drunk to oblivion. Unaware, incoherent, checked-out.
This, a long series of incidents similar to but never quite as potentially lethal, as this one.
I've
been aware of the alcohol problem for many years now and have often
expressed my feelings about it...it needs to stop, I can't trust you to
leave the house to go to work...at least promise the kids won't see you
like this, wait until put them down...etc.
It gets better, then it gets worse. You know the cliché.
This is the last straw for me, I'm done.
Of
course I can't pack up and leave 3 kids with her to raise, obviously,
nor would I want to do that. I can't stand the thought of being away
from my kids, alcoholic mother or not.
The house is in her name.
She's a drunk, but she's a functional drunk who brings home the bacon.
My income is currently supplemental, at best
I want her to get
out of our house and go get treated for her disease. She can stay with
her parents, or a friend or whatever, I don't care, but we need to stay
here.
I simply CANNOT risk my children's lives again with this behavior of hers.
How
can I make this happen without lawyers and police reports and
everything else? If worse comes to worst, I suppose I could gather them
and go find a house to rent or get an apartment. I 've got a little
money tucked away in the form of a Tax Refund, enough to get
established, I think...but that shit isn't going to last long,
obviously.
Any advice is appreciated, thank you for reading.
The
key is not to feel negative about a particular past, because then it is
charged, and it will weigh you down. The key is to acknowledge all
possible Pasts as valid, and therefore you neutralize them, and can then
drop that baggage. Then you will be free to choose the past that you
want.
Did you explain to your wife that she almost killed herself and the kids? A normal person would be horrified if they were given evidence that they had done this.
Quoting: Anonymous Coward 16394938
In her current state, it doesn't sink in. She furrows her brow and looks at me like I'm an asshole for raising my voice. If she speaks at all, it's nonsense or monosyllabic.
My daughter has to write about her day in a Journal she does for school, and when I came home she already had a page about how mommy fell down and burnt the soup on the stove and, at one point, she heard that and it temporarily got through. She cried and apologized to me (and my daughter) but ten minutes later it was like it never happened and back to running into walls and slurring and nonsensing and looking at me like I'm the villain of the piece.
I am going to guess that she's going to be a zombie for about half of the day tomorrow, maybe more, as this is the pattern. It takes her a day to recover from this level of intoxication.
Start getting video documentation, especially of incidences where the
stove is left on. Build up a diary of events, include things from the
past, but know that without proof of the ones from the past, it's
hearsay.
Start talking to her family or friends about
intervention for her. She needs it now. She might be furious that you
are bringing people into her business,but it might take more than just
you to get her in treatment. She is going to need in patient treatment
in the beginning, then out patient.
Find your local chapter of AA
Alcoholics anonymous and call them ASAP. Ask what meetings are
available for spouses or families of alcoholics. They CAN support you
and get you in touch with what you need.
You can threaten her to
leave and take her kids, but it will not do any good because she's an
addict. She needs help beyond what you personally can do for her. At
this point, even if you walked out with the kids, she'd keep drinking.
She's your wife, don't abandon her in her sickness, try your best to get
her rehabilitated.
There is no such thing as a functional
drunk. I repeat, no such thing as a functional drunk. I don't care if
she gets up every day and works and brings money in. She's NOT
functioning.
I had an alcoholic father and I can tell you, the
time is now to step in and do something. Simply tell her in a moment of
sobriety that she WILL get help and she WILL stop her drinking and that
she WILL go into treatment because you're not going to stand by and do
nothing.
You see, my mother coddled my father and allowed his
alcoholism to go on because he was a Vietnam vet who had the worst PTSD
... flashbacks, crying and fits of rage. She thought drinking helped
him, but it didn't. I have very few memories of my dad sober as a kid.
Don't allow your kids to go through that.
Prayer. Seriously. Get
this to the Lord. If I had not taken my issues to God, my dad would have
never stopped drinking. He finally stopped and i believe it's with
God's intervention that kick started the process.
I don't want to kick someone when they're down, but you asked for advice so here it is.
It's
time for you to man up. You should be leading your family. Why do you
have all those kids when you clearly can't provide for them. You're a
man right? Sounds like she runs the show on many levels.
Record
her escapades, get hard evidence, and give her one chance to clean up.
If she doesn't then talk to an attorney. Like ASAP. Do what you have
to, to keep those kids safe. Go back to school at night, or during the
day, or whenever...or learn a trade....get a good paying job. If she
won't straighten up, you do what you have to, to provide and protect
your kids. Stop relying on her. She's unreliable. Get it?
-this
is coming from a man who put up with way too much BS from a woman and
regrets it. But I put my foot down when our kids were born. She
walked. Best thing I ever did, and the kids are happy and well adjusted
now. A lot better off than if we were still together fighting....and I
hate divorce. It's a last resort. But you can't let this crap go on.
Choosing to live your life without the drama is not selfish it is healthy. Why ride the roller coaster?
This sends a clear message that there are boundaries of behavior that will not be tolerated.
Tough love is love.
Sorry I disappeared, yall...it arose, and it would seem that her drinking is the result of my shiftless layabout status.
I
suppose that I may have a healthy touch of depression that keeps me
unmotivated and "It's not worth it..." attitude towards more lucrative
work-seeking.
It's hard to want to spend two hours on application
and resume for a job you know you're not going to get. The mrs. is a
little naïve about the predicatment, but like I said I am in the running
to go back to post office.
We'll see.
As for the looming
threat of house fire, I need to find a way to deal with this that keeps
the peace while attempting to improve my contribution and alleviate some
of her stress.
I'm going to try antidepressants, they've helped before.
P.S. As someone who has grown up with a mother who grew up with a severely alcholic father, i just want to remind you of this:
1. my mother had severe anxiety and depression all her life, because of the situation she grew up in.
2. She developed gambling problems for a while, because of the situation she grew up in.
3. She had a miserable marriage, and she has miserable friendships, and miserable relationships with her kids.
All because her father was an alcholic, and her mother wouldn't leave him.
Nobody
back then knew how alcoholism affected children, but they do now. If
you think you're sparing them pain by keeping the family together,
that's completely wrong. It will cause them a LIFETIME of pain and
suffering if you don't do the right thing for them now, which is to get
them away from their alcoholic mother.
Hope that helps.
The effects of alcoholism last for generations. Stop the cycle now, while they're young, when you can.
Re: Advice Needed - Serious (Family)My
dad was in almost the same situation with my mom. Raising us she was
the same way. An alcoholic and mentally ill. My dad told me stories
that mimic this one to the tee.
He got full custody of my brother
and i. My mom died in 2010. We were estranged for a while before her
death and it hurt not being able to say goodbye. Since she was sick I
kind of blamed myself for not tracking her down. But who knows how
things would have gone if my dad didn't get us out of there
Sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like a real shit sandwich.
One thing is for sure - DO NOT GET THE GOVERNMENT INVOLVED!
It will exacerbate the situation into an unbelievable nightmare and they WILL STEAL YOUR KIDS!
Talk to her, get her help, do an intervention.
Alcohol is no joke and she needs help, so help her!
The kids are what is most important.
Good luck.
Yes, DO NOT GET THE PO PO involved. They are not your friend.
Videotaping her passed out, showing it to her parents and then staging an intervention is the way to go.
Go ahead and make arrangements for her to go to a facility.
Do the intervention and do not give her any options.
"You either go to drunk tank junction, or I am leaving with the kids." There is no discussing this.
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