I am taking a lunch break to put down some thoughts that I might not have spoken clearly yesterday when we were on the topic of marriage with my family.
I do not have the wisdom of 80 or 90 years, but I have gained a lifetime of wisdom through observing (not judging) others and trying to pick out patterns of things that have and have not worked in marriage. I want to share those.
I do not share my opinions from a stance of power, as I have failed my spouse miserably at key points in our marriage, but I have some opinions and perspectives that will hopefully help others avoid the traps I have fallen into.
Here are what I have observed are the major points of failure in a relationship:
- Religious values (moral code)
- Monetary goals
- Intimacy (emotional and sexual)
- Overall life goals (what expectations are to accomplish in this limited mortal probation)
- Commitment to a purpose over all other things
- Navigating the 40's empty nest/hormonal changes/menopause/crisis as major changes occur in our stated purpose (marry to have a family and committed life partner).
My daughters see failure (50% divorce rate) all around them and have observed shortcomings in their parents relationship and they are mortified they will end up in dire straits. Here are my thoughts on all of these things:
1. Moral Code is pretty easy. I married my wife because we aligned doctrinally out of the blocks. Trying to change someone (if the marriage occurs outside the covenant), is a difficult thing at best. We were both RM's and my wife clearly has a love for the scriptures. Foremost, she believes the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. All else falls into place once that is established. This knowledge has even helped her overcome a persistent Anti belief that Joseph was a womanizer. When she took a Women's Studies class at BYU from a lady who clearly was pushing an apostate agenda (that Joseph sired dozens of children other than with Emma and possibly Eliza R Snow?), this was the first crisis in our marriage. It took a decade or two of patience for that to resolve itself completely. The actual moral code is simply this; do you have a belief in an afterlife and do you strive for that in your future? The rest will take care of itself in a balanced, respectful relationship, where each are allowed to sin/repent without shaming from the other. Salvation is individual and marriage is just a vehicle that best allows the individual the keys to obtain that growth and goal.
It is my opinion that the more generations of balanced gospel living one has behind him/her, the easier it is to carry along a tradition of balanced gospel living in a new union. Marry into solid families. Easier said than done. Every time I would find a girl from a solid home (Bennion or Ritchey and others), we never synced completely because they could probably tell I was off a little. Both of our families have had our struggles there, so we have had to make up what a stable family looks like. My wife has always been a leader in her family. I was in mine. Even then, we had to scramble to figure out what balanced looks like.
2. Monetary goals. Marry within your social caste system. I married a slightly upper middle class girl. I am from a lower middle class family. I did date a gal who was quite wealthy and I never felt completely comfortable around her family even thought they were down to earth (father was a mission president and one of the principles of the Franklin Covey institute, worth tens of millions when we were dating back in the day). I always worried how I would make her feel financially comfortable on an engineering salary. I have looked her family up and they are a major financial interest in the Utah area. All of the siblings and in-laws. So, the pressure there would have been immense.
Do NOT marry a spender if you are a spender. There will be untold arguments, if you are not properly yoked. Very simple. Take a budgeting class before you get married so you have clear goals in that arena.
3. Do not marry a cold fish if you are hot blooded. Recognize your sexuality. We are all sexual beings and it is that way by design. There is nothing gross or disgusting about sex. If you feel that way - get therapy. If you are "touchy-feely", marrying a cold or unromantic person will kill your spirit and splash a serious amount of cold water on the marriage. It likely will kill the marriage.
On the flip side of that equation, there are people out there who are sexual addicts all the way up to sexual predators. The latter, if acted upon, is likely not recoverable. Steer clear of any extremes in any area. A child molester has a huge rate of re-offending likely because it is deep-seated from a childhood traumatic event of their own. It will only lead to pain later on.
For those with addictive personalities (read porn), it can be overcome, but those who struggle with it likely will always struggle with it. Be open about it. Stats state that 70% of females will indulge in it and 95% of males will indulge in it. So, for the ladies seeking a man, you can bet your man has been exposed. What does that mean? Be 100% open and honest about it. Discuss it, discuss ways to keep it out of the marriage and personal life and how you will deal with these issues with your kids until it is wiped out when the Lord comes. On the subject of addiction, whether food or alcohol or even drugs, make sure that past history was not an issue (you cannot reform the high school whore or party girl, or the jock who conquested every football cheerleader). Once a habit has become entrenched, forget about it. Someone can tamp it down enough to fool you to the altar - but it likely will rear it's ugly head when the relationship or an aspect of life spirals out of control (due to normal stresses of life).
The number ONE thing you should look at is whether the man or woman will honor virtue BEFORE marriage, if you want them to honor it AFTER marriage. In the months prior to sealing the deal, if you feel that you constantly have to repel the advances against your chastity by the other person who professes to love you, then you likely are going to experience problems with them indulging in infidelity AFTER marriage. I have had people share stories of their pre-marital exploits and then express their bewilderment of infidelity after the marital vows are taken. It should be no surprise to them. One is related to the other (most often, but not always). Lack of impulse control (having the ability to wait) is a solid harbinger of things to come. I am always baffled by people that talk of the commandments being "too restrictive", but then hear them complain that their life is completely hosed up by their partner's indiscretions..... You simply cannot have it both ways. The commandments, from the Word of Wisdom to the Law of Chastity are designed as safeguards - not as stifling restrictions to make us "miserable". They reduce misery, as "wickedness never was happiness". I really struggle identifying with people who cannot see the simple cause/effect of this.
Out of 30 years of marriage, I can honestly say that just under a decade have not been under a complete full frontal assault of some kind. This is the nature of a mortal test. I think we have this ridiculous notion that we will have a day of wedded bliss and then you will live a perfect life devoid of problems and then die and go to the bosom of Father. If that is the case, I have not experienced it. From losing our kid to SIDS and my wife's trust issues related to sexual abuse at the hands of her step-dad and then an uncovered history of mental illness in our families (people just sweep that under the rug big-time!), we have had our hands full and our kids have witnessed lack of patience on my part, shattered faith that God will make all things okay in the here-and-now, to so much else.
I had to explain to my teens that we (mom and dad) are not normal 50th percentile people because we have been through hell precisely because we have to be tried to a level commensurate with what eternal reward we are seeking. Some seek a flawless, white-picket-fence-existence with no turbulence along the journey (and they have their reward), and others seek the growth that comes from trials and tests. I would never seek them out..... They have a tendency to come looking for you in a fallen world..... If you do not wrap yourself in bubble wrap and lock yourself in a closet, you are going to experience a full mortal experience. Just in the process of getting from point A to B, you will be subjected to a fallen world. Even if you do EVERYTHING by the book, you are still living on a mortal planet and your children and those who surround you STILL have their agency. You cannot control all outcomes and eventually have to turn it all over to God to direct it in a higher way. This is where great power is obtained - just not getting wrapped around the axle about every little thing. Stress and worry melt away. The only thing that really should be stressed over is offending God.
Bottom line is that you do not directly control what you will experience in life, but you can control how you react to it. You have to do you and allow those in your circles to do them. God lost one third of His spirit children to moral agency. In order to understand that, we have to experience loss of one sort or another. The wisest people I know have dealt with loss gracefully and continued on in faith.
4. Have similar life goals. Do you want to travel after you retire? Or do you want to dig wells in Africa and serve missions in perpetuity? Do you have similar interests that way? How many kids do you want? One girl scared me away by announcing that she wanted a baker's dozen. Literally a 15 passenger van jammed full of hoomans.... I was a 5-6 kind of guy, but I could never sire that many. I would be dead by now if I had tried that. Kudos to those who can gracefully do more than that! I find myself in awe when I see the successful baker's dozen thing going on. Just amazing!
5. Commitment. Wow - where do I start? I have fasted and prayed twice for 72 hours (no food or water), until I was sure my kidneys were going to explode in order to get the approval to walk away from it at brutal junctures (both due to mental health issues). One of those times, I was given the green light with the caveat that I would never be given the blessings of having stuck it out. I am incredibly loyal (or so I thought), but the Lord decided to show me how lacking I was. According to the statistics of those who have elements of abuse, loss of a child, mental health issues, divorce of a parent in their background, etc, the chances of our marriage surviving was a mere 0.3%. That is pitiful, if you ask me..... But, we have survived and, in some ways, survived with grace. I have shed (thrown to the curb) all of those who have not stepped up and supported me or my wife in our quest to keep it alive in spite of everything. Except in extreme cases of infidelity, abuse or other very serious issues, you will never see me advocating a split in the marriage precisely because all relationships go through low points. Bailing out in a tight spot should not be encouraged unless there simply is no other option. The emotional damage to the kids can be extreme - where parents are not almost working as hard or harder than they were in the original marriage to make it work. And I find it laughable that people think they can just walk into another relationship and make that work with no snafus. Often the same baggage that trounced one relationship, will punk the next one. The grass truly is not necessarily greener on the other side. A good marriage takes an insane amount of work.
If you have married a selfish person, it will not work. Look for a history of service and devotion to reaching out to and helping others. When we fail to serve each other, our relationship dies.
6. Gutting it out through the hard times. For some reason, there really is something about a mid-life crisis. Depending on what you got into the relationship for, that will be tested. If it was sex, money, power or stability, that will be tested to the limit. Guaranteed. Most of those issues seem to come to a head in the 40's. I have witnessed so many marital implosions, it is breathtaking. From a spouse just walking out one day and saying they were never in love to begin with, to a sudden streak of infidelity by someone who was sure they "never had enough fun" in their 20's. Suddenly there is overwhelming dissatisfaction and one or both are out.... This sudden peak in couple swapping is endemic. Boredom in the relationship and some delusional notion that it will not affect the relationship long-term is laughable. Just watch the divorce stats spike for that demographic. It is probably well over 90%. Fatal for a relationship.
For many, it is a realization that their wife is no longer fertile, or erectile dysfunction in the male, or that after raising the kids, there is little that they still have in common. The relationship has to be re-invented several times in a lifetime in order to survive. Those that fail to be proactive likely will suffer failure.
So, in closing, be ready to put a heckuva lot of work into the endeavor. What does not kill you will only serve to make you better.... The best marriage is not the one that has had to survive no turbulence. It is the one that is still together and thriving in spite of the crushing things that couple has had to pass through together.
Hope this was useful to someone. Hopefully, my daughters will look at this journal entry some time in the future as some random musings/ideas that I have gained over the years, and find some perspective and balanced reality from it.
