THE WOOD ZONE SEX ADVICE COLUMN - CAYENNE PEPPER, YOUNGER WOMEN AND POLYGAMY

Okay, here is one area I never before have gone into on this blog.

Not that I care, I am a very open person and will discuss almost anything, if asked and its at least partly appropriate or relevant.

I just got done giving a tour of our flagship with some journalists from Aviation Weekly and threw some factoids out there that had some of the members of the tour beet red.  We were talking about subtle design changes that have been implemented into our products through the years.  We were near a lav and I mentioned about the button that was pushed that had the fat lady nearly singing her final operetta....  The old toilet design had the toilet seat riding nearly perfectly on the teflon bowl.  If you were large and had significant weight and spillover combined with a nasty doo that required a double flush, you could get into trouble.  The problem was that she compressed the seat on the bowl, her legs were nearly sealed together and there might have been a spillover problem which all combined to form a perfect seal, body to vacuum toilet.  Those toilets, to conserve water and thus weight, use a powerful vacuum motor to bring the holding tank to a negative pressure to pull the bowl contents quickly to a holding tank, while the plane is at a very high pressure (or delta P, as we call it) at altitude.  She had a stinky and wanted to do all the passengers a favor and did a courtesy flush, which then pulled her guts out her rectum and into the bowl.  Of course, that would be very painful and they immediately found an airport and landed the plane.  They had to service the lav to bring the plane, her bottom and the holding tank all into the same pressure which released her.  She was then rushed away for surgery, and I understand she made it after alot of surgery and probably a lawsuit.

So, I will discuss nearly anything is what I am getting at - and love to embarrass people when I can.

So, if you are single and are reading what I am about to write, all I can say is your day is coming......  don't laugh.  Don't get any funny ideas to try any of this stuff out before you get married because study after study have proven that two people who wait until after married to fiddle around have the best and most satisfying sex lives. Period.  If you can't trust each other and have enough self control to wait until you are married, what makes you think you will be able to have that level of confidence in each other AFTER you are married?  Make sense, huh?

First of all, my wife and I have discovered coco oil and it is the single best thing I have personally discovered in the last 22 years of marriage.  Cheap and excellent for massages and much more.  Costco carries it and a tin of it could last for a year or two unless you are out of control.

Secondly, my wife has lost weight right back down to her wedding day weight.  Several months ago, she was exasperated because she could not get rid of the last 10 lbs no matter what she tried and finally became a Medi-Fast life coach, lost the weight and is taking advantage of all those people who complement her on her new figure (message me at "thewoodzonemailbag@gmail.com" if you want her to personally coach you - she is a wealth of knowledge as she is to health and nutrition what I am to wacky end of the world prophecies).  She looks downright hot - which is what had me baffled.  We did a little getaway to Whistler (2010 Winter Olympic site) for three days the past week and lets just say that important pieces of the puzzle were not playing along with our well-laid plans.  This had been an intermittent problem for the past few years, but this was starting to get serious.  After doing some googling, we found that cayenne pepper capsules are a way to light the old fire.  Sure enough, back on track after 24 hours.  There were other herbs we used, but I think the pepper lit the boiler for me.  We are going to do some experimenting to try and figure out what works best alone - or if it must be a cocktail of things.

I have to say, without that little key of knowledge, things could have gone from bad to worse over time......  My wife is concerned enough that I will probably get a gel-cap loading machine and a costco-sized jar of cayenne pepper for Christmas as part of "her" preps........ Just in case the zombies are out in force as I get bored in my bunker and try to make a mad dash for the supplements store after the apocalypse.   In the old days, they did not have the luxury of supplements or little blue pills, that I am aware of.  Around 20 years ago, right after our marriage, my wife and I were walking in the Provo (south) Cemetery and walked past the grave site of a prominent figure from early Church history.  Beside him were all of his wives in descending order of death (I seem to remember eleven of them in total).  We spent some time there, did the math and noticed that the last few wives were pretty young and married him very late in his life.  Sometimes, this was the only way to "light the boiler", before there were chemicals and imported spices.  My wife, of course, was grossed out at such a notion - but last week kind of had the light bulb come on when she realized how serious this could be without some kind of intervention.  I did not even mention a younger wife as a possibility because I love attending the temple, love being happily married to my existing wife and I am not sure it would have done any good at all even if it were possible  - my wife is that hot.  I think the woman is the most attractive in the 35-50 year range anyway at the bloom of true womanhood, so that puts her right in the sweet spot.

So, there you have it.  If you or your sweetie have ever been short-changed in your prose by Longfellow, you have another key of knowledge that is supposedly 100% effective.  If you have never experienced this and are snickering - you will most likely have your day; so wipe that smirk off your face!

If you want to know more about the long list of spices in the cocktail that I took, it should not be too hard to come up with in a follow-on post if you hit the "POST MORE INFO" button below.  For my wife, if you are reading this, thanks for being so hot after so many years and you may now chalk this post up as another successful attempt of me being an attention whore, as I am affectionately called.  I dedicate this song to you:

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=GuQsW5DMerw