Types of Mormons:
1. If a subject was not explicitly referred to in the last general conference it is now false and no longer to be spoken of
2. If Joseph Smith didn't say it it is false doctrine
3. My BYU professor taught...
4. Man evolved from single cell plasmoids, the earth if 1.56437 billion years old, there was no flood, and the vast majority of scientists agree we are going to set the whole earth on fire in 17 years so scripture is mostly just metaphor - manifestations of the then primitive, un-evolved, brain.
5. The Area 70, my mission president, or another church leader privately said...
6. Someone who claims to have had a near death experience taught...
7. I dont need to read scripture or consider the words of church leaders, because I know by the spirit...
8. UC Berkley psychology professors are far better guides on the subject of marriage than scripture
9. No one really "knows" that...
10. I dont want to offend anyone
11. My perfect imageis far more important to me than truth... did I say that, I was just thinking that, right?
12. The scripture and modern church leaders are way out of step when it comes to social issues
13. All is well, I just pray and read my scriptures.
14. My excommunicated guru says...
15. I am a special class of Mormon because I know and do special things and so I get special blessings.
16. When the call out comes and we all head to tent cities I am gonna be living the full on prepper tent city high life.
17. The constitution is scripture, the only way to prepare for the second coming is to save America.
18. I am an honored recipient of the highly coveted double beaver lifetime scouters achievement reward, see, I wear it on my jacket lapel, and the rainbow colored ribbons are just tucked into my shirt collar.
19. I just know that if I can just serve and sacrifice hard enough I will be ok
20. Woman, what I say goes... Now you git them kids ready and I am gonna go wait in the car.
21. G-d will not be offended if I have a little coffee, tea, or chew every once in a while... its no big deal, I only smoke a cigar now and then and I only drink cognac a few times per year
22. My body is a temple, a super hot temple with 6 packs, and 9 very expensive surgical enhancements.
23. Yes, dear, what ever you say dear...
24. I dont know why that bishop does not do something about sister Jones and those kids...
25. The Greek tense structure only agrees with the Aramaic structure if you accept that...
26. Doctor, I feel like I am never enough, can never be enough, can never do enough, there is so much pressure and then I freak out or crash... my friend is the stake relief society president and she said anti-depressants were put her by G-d to help...
27. If you drink coke, touch playing cards, or leave your garments off for a few minutes those sins offend the holy ghost and are unforgivable.
28. This is church ball Brau, so if you aint cut, bleeding, or broken then I aint done with you yet, Brau
29. The patriarchy is not gonna oppress me, I can do more, better, and faster than any neanderthal man
30. Of course my opera interpretation of Come Come Ye Saints in Latin will per perfect for sacrament, I'll just ask brass section to play reverently.
31. The third moon on the cusp of venus in the same month signifies the end of the year of cycles, and the begin of the jubilant year of fasts just before the anticipation of the time of praise
Jesus said, "be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine".:
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